May 17th, 2008

News - The Magazine Monitor



Amusing thing happens when waiting in a departure lounge. Go online on public terminal, fancy a bit of the Monitor for diversion, and find that - alone among BBC pages, access is forbidden. “Unsuitable content,” it says.

Elgan, UK

In Microsoft aims to trounce Google (27 October), Bill Gates said that “the PC of today is still not the PC he dreamed about 30 years ago”; doesn’t he remember how in 1981 he said “nobody will ever need more than 640k RAM”?
Chris Simmons, Bristol

I see that TC (Monitor Letter, 27 October) has won Monitor Letter of the Week with a blatant bit of sucking up. Well I’m feeling pretty jealous, and would like to try a late attempt to win the title. So here goes: Hi Monitor, how are you? You’re really smart, you know, and you do make me laugh. Hey, have you been working out?
Luke L, banana13
Winner of the Monitor’s Letter of the Week for next week.

Re the caption comp - to be pedantic, it is surely a giant Westie rather than a giant Scottie (being white, rather than black), is it not?
Sarah, Oxford

Wine-loving French speakers use “Chateau la Pompe” for tap water (castle handpump). The current year is excellent and comes quite cheap.
Matt, London, UK

I’ve been wondered who it is that Phil Spector’s amazing hair reminds me of… happily I’ve realised it’s the eponymous Hair Bear from classic cartoon The Hair Bear Bunch.
Norbert, London, UK

I just tried Isabella’s ego-surfing (Monitor Letter, 26 October) and was extremely disappointed to find a picture of me popping up!
Kris, Orkney, Scotland

At last! An excuse to be wasting time at work - claim the health benefits with this article saying that Cabbaging prevents cancer (doesn’t it?).
Ben Hill, Cardiff, Wales

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this page it is stated that poverty is defined as “below 60% of the UK average wage” yet it also states that the average salary (in London I presume) is 31,370. This means that if you’re earning less than 19,000 you’re living in poverty. Surely there’s some mistake?
Ben,
Bristol

Re Kate’s Monitor Letter, 26 October, about tap water being called “council pop”, I spent my 1980s childhood with a father who only allowed me to drink ‘corporation pop’ with meals. It did make water sound more exciting somehow.
Kirsty,
London, UK

If you go to my uncle’s house (obligatory family cad), he will be mashing (making tea) with council pop (water) and cow juice (obvious).
Michael Rhodes,
South Normanton, Derbyshire

In The Netherlands tap water is known as ‘gemeentepils’, which translates as ‘council pilsner’.
Diana,
Charlbury, UK

Is cabbaging becoming the new Mornington Crescent?
David Gorton,
Oldbury, UK

Re the sexiest sections of motorway in Britain (Monitor Letter, 26 October), I dont know if it was a motorway or dual carriageway but I was a passenger in a car the other day and we passed a closed down Little Chef that had been reopened as a sex shop. Does that count?
Jonathan,
Bedford, England

Surely a candidate for 10 Things We Didn’t Know This Time Last Week, from a story about beavers due to be released in Britain: “The beaver was hunted to extinction for its fur and the pain-relieving properties of its anal gland secretions. ” Just the thought makes my eyes water.
James,
Cape Town

Re: Punorama’s search for a new name for Yorkshire feta: Oh dear, please don’t tell the EU I’ve been guilty of making Yorkshire Pudding in Sussex, Lancashire, Herts,and even for a few years in the US.
Robin,
Herts UK

Re:Net users told to get safe online: does anyone else often type their password in the “town/city and country” form on the Monitor?
Basil Long,
Newark Notts

Re: The Daily Telegraph article, mentioned in Paper Monitor on Wednesday with the headline “I waited with sick baby for two hours as doctor rode unicycle on ward”. For anyone who didn’t read the entire article, the best part is the quote, “a letter from hospital managers…said…that in future all unicycling on the ward would be restricted to ’special occasions’”. This seems only reasonable, doesn’t it?
Louisa Henney,
Woking, UK

With all these changes coming in to the BBC News website, can the Magazine be given more ’space’? Especially the Monitor section.
I would love to see more features, and most especially, more letters published. I’m sure I can’t be the only one?
TC,
UK
Winner of the Monitor’s Letter of the Week.

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It’s time for the caption competition.

This week, gymnast Steve Frew and a giant Scottie dog unveil the new Scottish team tartan ahead of the Melbourne Commonwealth Games. But what’s being said?

6. J Gates, Reading
“I canny take the strain no longer, Captain.”

5. Angela Barlow, Liverpool
The mystery beast of the Lost jungle is finally revealed.

4. Christian Cook, UK
After the fire, the Aardman animators had to work from memory in re-creating their most famous duo.

3. Colin, Dublin, Ireland
Despite long hours of intense traning, wee Scotty still hadn’t quite grasped the concept of walkies.

2. Stuart, West Midlands
Nobody took the Cybermen seriously after cutbacks in the BBC costume department.

1. Bottly, Bristol, UK
“It’s the only way we thought we could get away with ‘Scottish Team’ and ‘Winalot’ in the same sentence.”

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How smart are you? - History, and the Nelson question. Just to be pedantic, Nelson was preserved in rum betwen Trafalgar and Gibraltar and then brandy from Gib to London. It was rumoured that the sailors guarding the barrel of rum quietly drained off quantities in order to give themselves some of Nelson’s courage. The tradition continues in Nelson’s birthplace in Norwich where one local pub sells a concoction called Nelson’s Blood.
Rob,
Hamilton, Bermuda

Re: Suckers, 25 October, in which you discuss the increasing sale of bottled water. Has anyone else come across the term “council pop” for tap water?
Kate,
Manchester, UK

Interesting to hear of Neil’s creation of “totally free adult dating” (Monitor letters, Tuesday). Try ego-surfing Google Images for another diverting pastime. Type in your name and see whose picture pops up. I am apparently a dreadlocked singer-songwriter, my boyfriend a check-shirted snow-mobiler and my baby daughter a middle-aged librarian with a worrying fondness for loud floral prints.
Isabella,
Sheffield

Re James’s Cabbaging experiences (Monitor Letters, Tuesday). This is clearly an example of canada adult dating
 cabbaging, as defined in the 2002 Supplement, and as such should be discounted. Unless of course you were playing under the Strasbourg variant, which allows reverse-swtiching if any one of your opponents executes a double pack-pass cabbage.
Matt,
London, UK

Jeremy Langworthy’s letter in the Monitor on Tuesday criticises the BBC’s choice of pictures of motorways for being dull. Please point out sections of motorway that are exciting in still life and I, for one, will award you a metaphorical coconut.
Craig,
Edinburgh

I am intrigued to see what an “interesting” section of motorway looks like. Maybe we could have a new challenge for Monitor Readers - what are the sexiest sections of motorway in Britain? How would we measure their “Casual sex dating finder
“? I’d like to nominate a stretch of the M40 towards Oxfordshire which runs through a cutting type thing, which I find quite nice.
Greg,
Croydon, Surrey

Elle Dodd asks which places in the world, apart from Hollywood, Machynlleth and Brasov have “Hollywood”-style signs. She can add Mosgiel in New Zealand - sometimes referred to as “Mosgielwood”.
Dave Johnson,
Dunedin, New Zealand

Another small Welsh town that might benefit from such a sign would be Holywell, Flintshire.
David Green,
Flintshire/Oxford, UK

As you drive over the QE2 bridge from Essex to Kent you see the word ‘CROSSWAYS’ in large white letters. It is, alas, no more exciting than an industrial estate.
Ian,
Kent

In Can a home wind turbine make money?, 25 October, we are advised “You should be able to buy a wind turbine at B&Q and stick it in yourself.” Ouch, well that’d put me off right away.
David,
Bagshot, UK

Proof if proof were needed that the new Have Your Say system works. The most recommended comment on the debate about the smoking ban: “Having a smoking section in a pub or restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.” Pure genius.
Paul Taylor,
Manchester, UK

If someone were to cough up mineral water, could they be said to have Evian flu?
Lee Pike,
Cardiff

So Lamb and Lynx have decided they “want to keep being white” (Paper Monitor, Tuesday). It’s always nice when young people set attainable goals, don’t you think?
Charlene,
Calgary, Canada

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July?

Telegraph headline: 'I waited with sick baby for two hours as doctor rode unicycle on ward'

Well there’s an entrant to the bizarro category today in the Telegraph (right). Great work.


And a special mention to the Times “People” diary today which notes Angelina Jolie’s new bad taste tattoo across the back of her neck. In the unpleasant Gothic font so beloved of tattooists, she now has the words “know your rights” etched on her. Profound, huh? Diarist Hugo Rifkind does the decent thing, though, and suggests alternative texts for her: “Bad Hair Day” (especially appropriate because the tat is only visible when Jolie has her hair up), “Kick Me” and “How is my driving?”.


It all puts Paper Monitor in mind of the legendary story from 1999 when three American biker chicks sued a tattooist after they realised that their new tattoos across their chests did not, as they had requested, say “Satan’s Slaves”. Oh no. They said “Stan’s Slaves”. That font can be so confusing, can’t it?

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Monitor Letters, was there some humour that I missed in your letter? What on EARTH are you trying to say? I for one am completely baffled!
Hardik
Wellingborough

While having my first go at cabbaging, I ended up on this bbc.co.uk page: There isn’t a date on the page itself, but the date is in the title bar, and in the address. Does this count, or am I disqualified? We cannot award the teacake until we have official adjudication! Thanks for a great magazine.
James
Manchester

Congratulations BBC online. Whilst I understand that finding stimulating imagery for some of your “drier” stories may be a challenge you really have set new standards with the photos in the article Scanner to ’see inside’ concrete
These are, without question, two of the dullest sections of motorway I have ever seen.
Jeremy Langworthy
London

Quick question: are Lamb and Lynx the same blond little girls that were featured on one of those Louis Theroux’s shows a while ago? I seem to remember he spent some time with some white supremacist family and the two girls would sing about how great it was to be white…
Claudia
Milton Keynes

With reference to the article about the EU decision on naming of Adult chat dating chat room
 feta cheese How about ‘the cheese formerly known as Feta’?

Ben Simkins
Vevey, Switzerland

Reading about the new Hollywoodesque sign in Machynlleth made me think, how many other cities have a Hollywood sign? Are there enough for me to stop calling it a Hollywood sign, does it have real name? The first (or rather third) place on the list, is Brasov, Romania.

Elle Dodd
Brasov, Romania

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Flexicon:”blong hair”). Their “Smiley” T-shirts are also typical of many girls their age, apart, that is, from the way the face has been made to look like Hitler. The pair are the biggest thing to hit the white supremacist pop scene in some time.


In a statement (which is not believed to be related to the need for taking precautions in the hot Californian sun), Lynx told reporters: “We’re proud of being white, we want to keep being white.”


The paper reports: “Their mother appears to be the main source of inspiration. ‘I’m going to give them my opinion, just like any parent would,’ she said… April Gaede said that she had tutored the twins herself at home, teaching them her own version of current affairs and history. The girls have also been brought up surrounded by their father’s taste in dcor, which relies heavily on the swastika. He wears it on his belt buckle, plasters it on the side of his pick-up truck and has even registered it as his cattle brand.”


Ah well, here’s something to cheer - the Guardian’s Simon Hoggart interpreting what he sees as an idealised way that 24-hour drinking will work. “The new hours will create a relaxed and continental drinking culture, in which young persons toy with a glass of rose until two in the morning, as twinkle-eyed peelers stand outside pubs suggesting that they might move along, but only if they’ve had enough. Then the young women will ride home on unicorns.”

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Sneeze into the hanky! Got it?, 24 October, you say “Charley Says worked because kids…thought they were cute little cartoons… The animation had a home-made, cut-out look similar to the Roobarb and Custard cartoons, so they didn’t look scary”. Two things: 1) Roobarb & Custard didn’t have a cut-out look, it had a wiggly drawn look, and b) Charley Says films used to scare the bejeezus out of me. They were coloured in shades of mud and looked as though they were set in the most depressing town in Britain. The look of the animation freaked me out even before they had got to The Message.
Kaylie,
Runcorn, UK

Re: Lobsters, 24 October. An American colleague was on a visit to Thailand when some locals asked him a most poignant question: “Why do you eat lobster when you can afford meat?”
Mark Esdale,
Bridge, Canterbury

I’ve been reading (with some interest) the thoughts about Brian Cant’s absence from the Quaker Oats advert (Ad Breakdown: Miller’s sexed-up tale, 21 October). I’d like to shed some light on to the matter - if you look on a list and see “Brian Cant”, then surely the best thing to do would be just to keep moving down the list and find someone who can? I suggest Brian removes the “t” from the end of his surname - more work may result.
Greg,
Croydon

Re: Paper Monitor’s request for a Flexicon word for the vindication of obsessive menu-keepers: perhaps they could call themselves “save-yours”? (Suggested by a colleague, I must admit.)
Brian Ritchie,
Oxford, UK

If I only were able to come up with an entry to the Flexicon, that entry would be “correctrospective”. Ah well indeed.
Greg,
Croydon, Surrey

Rey Apple faces iPod Nano litigation, 24 October, in which you report: “Commenting on the lawsuit, Apple said: ‘We do not comment on pending litigation.’” At last, news stories from The Day Today!
Basil Long,
Newark Notts

I have stumbled along a new pastime for time-wasting at work.. photo-cabbaging. I managed five clicks starting here Chippy named best in Wales, all using the same stock photo (or close up from the same photo) of a adult asian dating
 unappetising-looking bit of fish & chips. I have duly awarded myself a picture of a teacake.
Neil,
Aberystwyth

Luv your site, lads!!!
Catherine Monaco, Los Angeles
Monitor note to Monaco: What about us gals?

Can we have someone who can watch over theys websit makes. so each one to be carefull in want they say about thinks they are going to happen when they are not going to happen like thres plx .
Steer,
Dagenham

RE: the introduction of a Flash 7 days 7 questions, 21 October: I thoroughly miss the excitement of not knowing my score until I press results. That is all.
Dave Candy,
Bicester, United Kingdom
Monitor note to Candy: We’ll see what we can do.

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Posted on Saturday, May 17th, 2008 at 8:26 pm under Adult dating, Group sex dating .

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